What am I doing?

What am I doing? I get this question all the time. So, I'm making a list. But, before I post, I want to state adamantly that I am not providing this as a template for others to follow. Every person is unique. The first thing I'm doing should be universal, but after that, it will depend on many variables how one should proceed.

The following are the steps I've taken (roughly in the order shown; the protocols I am still adhering to have an asterik beside them):

*1. Prayer (I heed my Creator who knows how I am made and shows me what changes to make).

*2. Positive Outlook. Appreciating each day for what the LORD has provided.

*2. Dietary restrictions (some of these things I was not doing and therefore I did not have to stop doing them): no smoking, no alcohol, no sugar, no dairy (except goat kefir & goat chevre), no peanuts (high in estrogen), only raw walnuts, raw almonds and occasionally raw cashews or pecans, no table salt (this, and the 'no sugar' restriction pretty much eliminate all processed/packaged foods); I do use Real Salt, no soy (not even lecithin), no juice (unless I juice it myself from organic carrots, granny smith apples), no artificial sweeteners (I do use Stevia and honey in small amounts), no chocolate (but I do use some raw cocoa), no coffee (or at least only using it as an occasional flavoring), no black tea (but I do drink one to three cups of organic green tea daily), no refined flour (I am almost gluten free, but only due to this restriction), no white rice (but I use brown rice and quinoa), no russet potatoes (but I do eat a few red potatoes and lots of sweet potatoes), very little citrus (except lemons), the fruits I eat more often are bananas, cherries, blueberries, and pineapple, the only oils I use are extra virgin olive oil and coconut oil (and sometimes grapeseed oil), the only animal proteins come from free-range soy-free eggs, grass-fed beef, pastured poultry and pastured pork, wild caught sardines, and organic turkey... The primary source for these restrictions, but not my only source, is a site: foodforbreastcancer.com

Foods I eat often and in quantity (due to anti-cancer properties): kale, spinach, onions, garlic, cauliflower, broccoli, collards, sweet potatoes, black beans, quinoa, lemons, tumeric, green tea, olive oil, oregano, black pepper, blueberries, raw almonds, raw walnuts,  zucchini, yellow squash, green garlic, tomatoes...this is a partial list...

*3. Probiotics, Pancreatic enzymes, and goat kefir (to aid digestion and absorption).

*4. Making sleep a priority (I try to get 8 hours, but 6 is more usual; this is a bigger factor in how effectively our body functions than most folks realize).

*5. Supplements: A, B, C, D3, E, Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc, Wheatgerm oil, Flaxseed oil (as part of Budwig Protocol), Kelp (for iodine)...I was taking more supplements early on, but decided that my improved diet was supplying enough beta carotein and some other things that I was lacking previously.

*6. Water. Only filtered water.

*7. Reduced stress. Weight loss (these happened gradually and naturally with lifestyle changes).

*8. Built strength through walking (in sunlight when possible) and by undertaking increasing farmwork at home.

*9. Organic Sulfur Water (MSM) w/Vit C. (protocol on cancertutor.com)

10. Mushrooms (recommended by nutritionist)

*11. IP6 (recommended by nutritionist)

12. Chiropractic adjustments due to constriction in spine at neck that interferes with transmission of important signals to body.

*13. Bible study, recognizing the LORD gives me daily exercises in trust, reliance and gratitude.

AWARENESS

Breast Cancer Awareness Month 2013

Since this has been designated as Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I feel motivated to finally update this blog. My original diagnosis with Invasive Lobular Breast Cancer occurred in April 2012. It is now October 2013. 18 months have transpired. I have spent the time aggressively growing in awareness of what cancer is and what causes it. I have actively been pursuing a path to impede it, to get my immune system to heed it, and to be sure not to feed it. Entire books have been written on this subject, and perhaps I'll be writing one myself eventually, but for now, I'm going to attempt to be succinct. I know you are hoping I'll succeed! But, I definitely want to speak up at this time to say that I believe there is a far better way to manage cancer than marching in fundraisers for the drug companies, wearing pink ribbons, shaving your head, or hoping the labs will produce a drug that will zap cancer. (For more detailed accounts of what I have discovered read previous posts on this blog).

What is cancer? We are. It is part of our body. It is not a foreign entity. There are many contributing factors to a weakened, suppressed immune system that allows cancer to get a foothold: environmental toxins in our food, air and water, lack of sleep, spinal constrictions, consumption of unhealthy, non-nutritive food, digestive issues, obesity, lack of exercise, lack of sunlight, emotional trauma, debilitating diseases...

I believe with all my heart, soul and mind, that cancer, like any other adversity we face, is a spiritual matter. We should respond to the awareness that we have it growing out of control by asking the LORD how to align ourselves more closely to Him. He made us and He knows us better than anyone, even better than we know ourselves. Giving Him reign/rein over our life is the whole point of our existence. The sooner we toss the reins to Him; the sooner we will find the peace that passes all understanding.

 

Our body is the temple of God. He dwells therein. Most of us are very sloppy with our temple maintenance. I certainly was! Many times I had tried to control my flesh in the past. But, I now have the incentive to do it with unwavering resolve. Earlier posts on this blog detail the lifestyle changes I've made. It took cancer to spur me to trust Him completely. That makes the cancer worth having!

God gives us purpose, reasons to live. In this image are three of those. They have all been ways the LORD has encouraged me. Notice how they are all glowing!

I expected the journey to be like a roller coaster, but truthfully, He has smoothed my path. As in Isaiah 25. There have been steps to take, but He has shed light on each one when I needed to take it.

I have not been alone on this journey. I am grateful for those that have shared their experiences and what they have discovered.

God has been incredibly generous in giving me Kevin. I doubt I would be strong enough to travel this road alone. God has given me an amazing husband who has supported me every step of the way. We are in perfect agreement about how to proceed. He hasn't questioned my decisions because he knows the LORD has been steering me. He knows this because he has been faithfully praying and looking to Him himself, hearing Him himself, then rejoicing to hear me echoing what God has told him already!

Few people appreciate their mates until they see them as God does; in His framing. We are given the one we have because he is equipped for the task of husbanding us.

I have an incredible support system in my family, friends, church, and co-workers. They are  sheltering, steadying, comforting, edifying, inspiring... Just as we have experiences we've collected from our past; so have we people in our lives for a reason. How we embrace them is critical. I think this is the best place to give you the answer to a question that haunted me for many months after diagnosis. Why are so many women I know, who went the conventional way of treatment, surgery, chemo and radiation, doing just fine years after the fact? Since I am totally convinced that the treatments are not what healed them or spared them, what did? First of all it has become clear to me that our bodies are incredibly designed. They can endure far far more than we realize (and they do). But, more importantly, I've read and seen for myself that the most significant indicator of how long a cancer patient will survive is their will to live. When we know we are loved, cherished, appreciated, contributing, serving members of our family, church and community, we survive and thrive. We learn from what we go through and rejoice in opportunities to help others. The ladies I know who have survived have these characteristics in common, they are: generous, caring, nurturing, loving. They have a zest for life; they celebrate it!

Sustenance. God has made it possible for us to raise grass-fed beef, free-range eggs...

We must have an attitude of gratitude. He has supplied moments that salve my soul. That quicken my heart. That strengthen my resolve. These come daily at various hours.

Sunrise or sunset? When you see an image in this glorious light, how can you know without being there whether it was breaking day or after the day is done? 

Inner light. We should be aware we are in His Presence. We should be gazing out upon our circumstances from that perspective.

Rollback. Even the least likely warriors have the wherewithal to maneuver when motivated.

Special provisions for the future. God also has given us evidences that He is preparing us for the future. There is so much to be learned from watching what He does through the seasons.

Life among the graves. Even cemeteries have begun to be beautiful to me. There is life in them.

Going counter to the flow. Many view the way I am going as risky. I have come to see that just as in other periods of my life, I thrive going against the flow. I like that I was shown how to address all the underlying causes of cancer, and given the desire to correct them, before finding those who had taken similar courses of action. I would rather know the LORD has directed my steps than attribute my hope or confidence to anyone or anything else. But, just a couple of weeks ago (after 18 months of not finding a kindred spirit) I was given a book that describes better than all the others I've read and all the websites I've poured over, why I am taking this route. I would still recommend that each individual seek the LORD for direction, not man. Begin with the BIBLE and intense time with Him alone. Then, if He steers you away from conventional treatments (as He did me), you'll find the book: Cancer: Step Outside the Box by Ty Bollinger an amazing resource!

I am not wearing blinders. I am not rushing out of the starting gate spurred by fear and adrenaline.

I see this season of my life as a new beginning. There is much to learn and much to do. There is so much that matters.

In this life there are departures and arrivals. Let us enjoy waiting at the station together.
Amen! 

About cancer - Deliberations about Dying

I begin this post with this little image. I'm using this image of Remedy for several reasons. He, himself, has been part of God's remedy for me. That's why I named him Rhema Remedy. I've thought of dozens of great names for him since: Pirate, Patch, Boo, Rimfire...but, the spiritual reason for naming him Remedy trumps the cleverness of such appellations. 

Back when I believed I might be going through chemo, or surgery, or both, the idea of dealing much with our big horses looked unlikely. But, after watching the donkeys over the years at the shows, I was quite taken with the idea of regular interactions with an equine of smaller dimensions. Those donkeys I'd observed were extremely well-trained, clingy and cuddly. When we got Remy, I had hopes he'd be like that. He had obviously been handled, trained and fed well. But, I found out immediately that mules (and hinnys even more so) are very suspicious creatures. You have to earn their trust. You have to prove to them that your plans for them are wise and you have their best interest in mind.

Two familiar scriptures say this about Our Father's dealings with His children:
1. God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
2."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Those are promises you can hang your hat on! Was I sure back then that His plan was to heal me? Spare me? No. I knew that He might show me how to physically exit this world. I also knew that I was not ready. I remembered Corrie Ten Boom's fear of having her father leave her by dying. He told her (at the train station, remember?) that she didn't have to be ready yet. When it was time, she would be given the ticket to board; until then, He was holding her ticket for her so she didn't have to worry about it.

The first decisions I made, in early June, reflect a certain optimism, but it was almost immersed in deliberating over dying. I went to a thrift shop and purchased a long-sleeved tunic made of synthetic material. Since I almost always buy cotton and I very rarely wear long-sleeves, it meant to me that I was at least entertaining the possibility I'd be alive in the middle of winter when I might want to wear it; it was totally inappropriate for mid-June.  And, I began to think about what I wanted to do to celebrate my 60th birthday, still five months hince. I remember thinking about the relevance of so many pursuits: continuing to work when I could retire, continuing to rearrange our cluttered living areas, continuing to communicate/comment/blog... I was overwhelmed by the immensity of the unknown.

Those who have known me long, know that I like to be informed before making any decision. I love to research things. The internet makes this so easy to do. And so have I done, and continue to do, deep digging into the subject of cancer.

Actually, a better analogy is scaling a mountain shrouded in mist; I still can't see the top, but I'm up high enough to have quite a view.

I've plateaued several times.
Spiritually, I realized Jesus knew well what He had to go through in advance. And He proceeded in spite of that knowledge to carry out the tasks Father gave Him. So, I try to not think so much of dying or how it will be done, but rather about living and doing what He gives me to do.

Here are some monthly highlights of the past year:

JUNE 2012
 I was very reluctant to take on an oncologist. I didn't see the point since I was unlikely to follow any advice given by one. But I went ahead and made an appointment with the one recommended by the surgeon I'd seen. Kevin went with me. We prayed as we parked at the office park that the oncologist recommended to me by the surgeon would be ideal for me. God provided! He was/is an excellent listener. He nods his head like a dashboard dog. I like that sort of close attention to what I am saying. I had a LOT to say. I had a list with me of questions. A few of them were: will physical activity (sweating, lifting and straining) be a problem; can you use a cpap during surgery (for apnea); why was radiation recommended after surgery; how long would I have before having to make a decision about the surgery... He did prescribe an aromatase inhibitor (hormone inhibitor). He said that the one with the fewest side-effects was Exemestane. I remember asking him how the body can function without estrogen and progesterone since that is what Aromatase inhibitors are supposed to do, shut down the body's ability to convert nutrients into hormones. Heed what he said; I think he answered truthfully. Doctors don't know how the body keeps on functioning in spite of the inhibition of hormones!

At that first visit, I was thrilled that taking AI was all I had to do for a few months (he estimated three) until it was determined whether taking that was having an affect on the tumor. Then, if it was, I would continue to take it until the tumor shrank, then have the tumor removed, then have radiation to 'be sure there are clear margins'. I was NOT thinking that I would agree to all that, but I was glad to undertake the 'wait and see if the Exemestane works' route. I decided in my mind that if I did have surgery, it wouldn't be until December; I didn't tell the doctor that, but based on what he'd said, that seemed a realistic time frame. I bombarded the oncologist with what I had learned about nutrition. He seemed politely interested, but he didn't pretend to know much about what I was saying. He did answer several questions I asked about hygiene and exercise. He said exercise was good. He said sweating was OK. I was also surprised to find out that the blood work they did in their office was processed immediately. I was able to actually take the printed results away with me. I've learned since that that isn't the case in most offices. I'd been sent to one of the best in town. The nurses there were very kind and easy to talk to. The one that drew the blood did a superb job (I have veins that are tricky to hit and that tend to collapse before the amount necessary is drawn).

I filled the prescription for Exemestane and began taking it the next day. Within only two days there were some quite obvious physical indications that my hormones were being squelched. In the next weeks I began to be concerned about what was happening to my body. My hair stopped growing, my nails began to thin and break and bend when I pressed into anything. I felt weak and exhausted at the end of the day. My ability to lift things decreased. My joints ached. I began having hot flashes. My concentration was scattered. My skin looked thinner. My gums were tender. I felt a little nauseus in the morning...I took that medication for four months. Until the last week of that time, I believed that what I was doing to my body was necessary, but at that point I began to see that the side-effects of this (new) drug were really very similar to chemo. It was supposedly mainly 'targeting' cancer cells, but as I read articles on it I realized that really wasn't true. This list of side effects finally convinced me I was at least partially negating my concentrated effort to balance my digestion and strengthen my immune system by taking it. The following link does give detailed information on the side effects. When someone says 'possible side-effects' is that sort of like 'rain is likely in some areas?' Because, some of the percentages for the side effects are more than one in five! Another list I came upon (but can't find again) showed a rare side-effect was 'trigger finger'. Just about the time I stopped taking the medication, I developed trigger thumb! I had never even heard of that before and had no idea why it happened until I came upon it listed among the side-effects for aromatase inhibitors. My thumb has never fully recovered. The rest of my body still has residual effects from just four months on the stuff and I was expected to stay on it for FIVE YEARS! My oncologist did tell me that the effects of Exemestane on the body were irreversible! All I can hope to do is work around those effects.

http://www.rxlist.com/aromasin-side-effects-drug-center.htm

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healthlibrary/conditions/breast_health/lymphedema_following_a_mastectomy_85,P00148/


But, I am getting ahead of the story.  I had asked the oncologist to schedule me for a bone density test and a sonogram of my mid-section where I had been experiencing so much pain. He also wanted the other breast checked and I asked him to include an xray of my left leg that had been hurting in an odd way for months.

One thing that I found interesting is that scheduling a sonogram to check a breast is far harder than scheduling a mammogram. The reason I was given is that only a couple of imaging places in town even do that sort of sonogram. That gave me pause. So, I actually had the abdominal sonogram done along with the xray of my leg and the bone density test first since those could all be scheduled for an earlier date than the breast sonogram.  I was the one that had requested all three of these and I was pleased that the technicians doing the xray and the bone density at least gave me cautious feedback that they didn't see any problem. The tech doing the abdominal sonogram was not friendly at all. She was short with me and did not want me to ask her what she was seeing. She told me that my doctor would have to give me that information. At the time I didn't really 'get' why the doctor had to do this since I was the one wanting the information in the first place. But, I waited impatiently the week or so necessary to schedule the appointment with the oncologist so that I could have him tell me that all of the tests came back showing no problems. My bone density was great. I had expected that. I have been doing heavy lifting most of my life and I have ingested milk in huge quantities (too huge, I'm admitting now) from birth into my forties. The xray of my leg showed nothing at all. The abdominal sonogram, ditto.

I finally had the sonogram done on my other breast. There was no sign of a tumor in the other breast. I actually liked the Women's Imaging Center; the waiting room was interesting. I felt a rapport with the others waiting there. Sonograms are sort of pleasant: the dark room, the gentle moist contact, the rhythm of the scanner, the cool breath of AC coming through the vents... I was given partial results while I was there. I felt like it was understood that I was there because I chose to be and that I was the one the tests were intended for. The place where I had the other imaging done was different: busier, brighter, pushier, nosier. And I hadn't gotten the same feedback there about the tests.

So,I was pleased (albeit it later) nothing was showing up in the xray, my bone density was great and they saw nothing (no mass or odd shadows) in my midsection. That in particular gave me hope that I didn't have a big tumor already in or on my stomach, esophagus, lungs or other major organs. At the time that test was done, I had so much adipose tissue (FAT) in those areas, I worried about what might be growing in there.   That gave me the courage to set sail on the course that I have continued to follow. If I didn't have any large obvious masses in my abdominal core (where they would be life-threatening) and the tumor in my breast was not growing rapidly, I had time to undertake this whole cancer journey on my own terms rather than under advisement of medical professionals who stood to make mucho money off me.

Let us pause here to consider this, because I think it is extremely important to realize that cancer patients are primary sustainers of current medical practices. If I had gone the route expected of me, here is what I would have paid into the 'system' (or, I should say what my insurance would have paid into it since I do have excellent coverage through my employer: UT):

1. initial consultation with my general practitioner
2. diagnostic mammogram
3. initial consultation with surgeon
4. in-office mammogram/and or sonogram with surgeon
5. biopsy
6. lab work that determines type of cancer (based on biopsy)
7. initial consultation with oncologist, blood-work done in office
8. mammogram of other breast; MRIs probably, too
9. bone density test (since going on hormone inhibitors can weaken bone density)
10. prescription for aromatase inhibitor. You stay on this for 5 years. It costs $500 a month.
11. monthly visits to oncologist. bloodwork done each visit.
12. when oncologist is satisfied that AI is working or not, back to Surgeon's office.
13. another mammogram and probably another biopsy before surgery
14. lumpectomy or mastectomy
15. breast reconstruction
16. follow-up imaging (probably MRI or CTs)
15. regular visits to oncologist afterward with bloodwork each time (at about 6-12 week intervals)
16. more imaging (in a couple of years) of the other breast
17. find tumor in other breast, biopsy, surgery on that breast...(the type of breast cancer I have does often show up in the other breast - lobular)
18. 5 years or so down the road bloodwork other imaging would show metastisis to some other area of body
19. more MRIs, CTs, biopsies...  I really am underestimating the amount of tests they would perform. At this point they would recommend chemo. When that doesn't work,
20. Another type of chemo
21. frequent visits to test effects of chemo. more imaging.

I don't do numbers, but I do know that the only biopsy I had done was about $6000. $4000 of that was the lab fees. That was an outpatient procedure that took about 15 minutes. What I have read indicates that it is not uncommon for a single cancer patient to rack up over a million dollars in treatment costs. How much of the list above do I think is necessary? The only thing on the list that I've welcomed is the bloodwork. I don't know what that costs my insurance, but for me it is a $35 co-pay. That seems well-worth it to me since it gives me an idea of how well my body is functioning. Sonograms are a little useful and they don't harm the body at all. They aren't 'definitive' but that's OK with me. I think they cost about $300 as compared to $1200 for a mammogram. Don't quote me on those figures, but I'm fairly sure there is a significant difference in the price on the two. CTscans are actually multiple xrays and those are much more expensive. And then MRIs are even more! All along the way a cancer patient is having this sort of imaging done. All along the way a cancer patient is being told they have to schedule an appointment with their 'doctor' to get the results of these tests. The doctors get paid each time you go in to see them. I have become convinced that the reason they treat you like royalty at the outset is because they see you as an asset being added to their portfolio: a treasure to be carefully handled. Ponder this please before letting them place you in their care; the more you agree to have them do, the harder it will be to say 'no' to them later.

I listened to the experience of a woman who underwent a mastectomy and it proves my point. Her every whim was catered to before the surgery, but afterward, she was on her own. The hospital and nurses did not send her home confident or equipped for the dismal task before her. She described graphically how insensitive they were to her condition and the logistics of managing after-care. She actually was so incensed it motivated her to make a contraption for women to wear after surgery because there was nothing appropriate provided or available at the time in spite of the thousands of these surgeries done routinely. 

Now, the following are excerpts taken from my notes during the next few months:

July 2012
Noted in my log: steady weight loss, sleeping through the night, less urgency to urinate, barely aware of dreams, tire easily, sleeping on the bus, overwhelmed by all that needs to be done, thoughts about what a mess I'd be leaving behind if I died or got so ill I couldn't function...


Although I had begun to look on the internet for specific information regarding my cancer, and I had come upon two websites in particular that I found extremely helpful:
foodforbreastcancer.com
 and
cancertutor.com

I eliminated many other websites for the following reasons:
1. they were pushing/selling some product that was 'a proprietary blend' of all sorts of ingredients you recognized as cancer-fighting (tumeric, green tea, pectin, grapeseed extract...) i.e. they were after money.
2. they wanted you to 'join' their program (so they would have you on their mailing list) i.e. monthly/yearly payments
3. they wanted you to order books, tapes, dvds, etc. i.e. online sales techniques were obvious
4. they had some ingredient from some distant part of the planet that could only be obtained through them...
5. they didn't show enough saavy about cancer (they were not making distinctions between organic and conventional)
6. they wanted you to come stay at their clinic or facility for treatment (way too expensive and disruptive for our budget).

Whereas, both Food for Breast Cancer and Cancer Tutor are informational only. They have compiled vast resources of carefully researched articles, protocols, product links, and you didn't need to join/sign up/ or pay to use them.

At some point, when I was feeling the pain and aggravation in my breast and starting to wonder if I should go ahead and have the surgery, I found a book on my coffee table in the livingroom. I have no idea who gave it to me. Someone had though and I had brought it home and placed it there. It had been sitting there several weeks, I think when the LORD brought it to my attention. The book was the first to actually blatantly describe what I had been surmising, the inefficiency of modern medicine to individualize treatment, and the refusal of conventional medicine to acknowledge alternative treatments that are safer and natural (not concentrated, synthesized and genetically altered in a lab).

Suzanne Somers book Knockout
That book referred me to the 
Burzynski story and film. Seeing that film solidified my belief that conventional, BigPharma medicine is designed for profits, not for curing cancer.




August 2012
Noted: Kevin was having trouble with my frustration. Some clashes. We each began to have some time on our own due to his schedule. He was working early and late. I started riding the bus several times a week. I found the bus restful. I made a few friends through sharing what I was going through.
Referral to biochemist, history: early habits, begin to see patterns established as child
Changing view of eating. Not craving food at all. Able to be around things that used to be hard to resist and it really isn't. Scents enjoyable without need to imbibe.

September 2012
Noted: Food log, sent stuff to biochemist for evaluation, sonogram, bloodwork, beginning to question aromatase medication, losing strength, looking flabby,  Breast cancer explanations getting more complex. Appreciating the CPap machine, getting better sleep. Pleased I can lift (not easily) 50 pound feed bags and the big water bottles at work to put them on the dispenser.

October 2012
Noted: got off medication, digestion producing more gas, attended a workshop called 'Cancer Killers' put on by a chiropractor. Began spinal adjustments when I realized that constrictions in my neck were preventing signal from my brain reaching areas that affected body functions. Understood cortisol release. Aching and pain in neck and shoulder more frequent and variable, struggling to get into a routine for treatments with chiropractor. Organized house and began cleaning, had company, fall fest...


November 2012
Noted: having problems getting to sleep, moon was full, bumps in the night, Kevin's late nights (til 10:45) riding the bus means time to think, pray, read,  early voting, not telling everyone now about cancer, rather wanting to have this outlet (blog) and a way to refer people so they can get at the same information Maximized Living.com webinars. Breast has been complaining, armpit, too. We celebrated my 60th birthday at the park where I grew up. We had a costume party. It was a blast!

Dynamics of dying. I'm not sure where to place this paragraph. I spent those first weeks thinking about dying: trying to wrap my mind around the possibility. It is sobering contemplating how one will die.There were quite a few pains in my body then and I was afraid of that increasing. I was also afraid of what an unchecked tumor might do: how it would look, feel, express itself...Fear of the tumor itself was repeatedly aroused by pain from that site. The tumor definitely moved around; it changed shape; it chewed and pinched at surrounding tissue. For several months, even after making the firm decision not to have it removed then, there were times when I wondered if I was giving in to fear of the operation.  But, each time, I would work though the whole scenerio in my mind and come away (much like we do when we doubt our faith) with stronger resolve.

To me, that means live life fully, not 'fight cancer' with grisly weapons. I kept telling concerned friends and family, "I'm not going to die of a tumor in my breast; leaving it there has many advantages." It had been the surgeon who first suggested the tumor would show the effectiveness of any treatment tried. So, once I began my own regime, I saw that the tumor was serving a purpose. It was a constant reminder that I must be vigilant; that I couldn't slack off physically, mentally or spiritually.  My motto has become: pursue life, not death.

Expectations. Because the surgeon had planted the idea in our minds that the tumor might actually disappear (shrink until it couldn't even be found; thus the reason for putting the itty bitty 'marker' in there so they could find where it had been and exhume it),  I did hope this would happen to vindicate our unconventional tactics. For the sake of my loved ones who feared for me, it would have been nice to tell them it was shrinking, or was now undetectable to us. People at church prayed the LORD would just heal me and I could go about rejoicing and wowing others with what He had done! I thought that would indeed make a fine testimony (and forgot for a while that the LORD had shown me decades earlier He doesn't follow scripts we write for ourselves). Rather, He proves His faithfulness and goodness in surprising ways so others will recognize them as His ways, not our own. A healing would have pleased plenty of believers, but it wouldn't have been as useful to others in the long run. The tumor didn't shrink. It changed in shape and texture, but we knew within four more months (eight from setting out on our self-determined course of action) that it was actually larger. That caused me to change how I answered the most frequently asked question, "how are you doing? What does your Dr. say?"I had a hard time explaining why I wasn't going as often to the oncologist as they expected me to (or as he expected me to). About five months into the course I had set out upon, the main 'news' I had was that I was steadily losing weight because of dramatic changes in my diet. I primarily talked about those changes with people: what I was and wasn't eating. As soon as I told them I was not eating sugar, or soy, or dairy, or gluten...and that I was avoiding all animal products unless I knew their source and that they were grass-fed, a long discussion of the reasons for these restrictions ensued. For a time, that was enough to wear out my listeners. They appeared to be concerned about my weight loss (thinking I expect I was losing the weight due to the cancer). In fact, one of the side effects of hormone inhibitors is weight gain, not loss. So, I assured them that my weight loss was healthy. I wasn't losing the weight quickly. One to two pounds a week on average was all I lost. Eventually, I got all the excess fat off that was burdening my organs, straining my heart, hindering my breathing, restricting my movement...I was pleased to see the weight going down (since what I read indicated that weight gain was a bad sign). I began to be able to feel contours and joints that had been robed in fat. Anxiety about masses in my abdomen or mid-section abated with the weight-loss. My blood pressure dropped for the first time in a decade. To me these changes were confirmation I was going in the right direction, but I knew even if I wasn't, God is in control and He will steer the way.


Everything seems to be more significant when you realize your time may be short. Certain hymns at church speak to me personally, my desire to help others in crisis is intensifying, unusual happenings perk my attention, news broadcasts come through to me as transparently biased, boldness is coming back to me after decades of trying to squelch it, and everyday I revel in God's showers of blessings upon us.

The Puzzle

I've spent many hours attempting to solve a huge puzzle: what is cancer and why am I dealing with it?

Before going further, I begin with my conclusion:  
Only God sees and holds the finished puzzle picture. Try doing a jigsaw puzzle without the picture as a reference. You don't know how many pieces there are. You won't know when it is finished, either. Our Father has the whole picture and He knows which piece to hand over next. He knows which piece fits with ones He has previously supplied. Some pieces are bigger than others. Some I have set aside awhile until I find where they belong.

I am going to begin sharing those pieces now in approximately the order He gave them to me.

What causes fat
Sleep Deprivation
Digestion
Personality

Chemistry
Emotions - Cortisol
Exercise
Sunlight (Vitamin D3)

1. Fat. When I began solving this puzzle, I was obese. I had been in that range for about two years. I had struggled with weight since age 30, but had managed by dieting to lose weight several times, but I always gained back more than I'd lost. The yoyo syndrome many experience had begun to discourage me. I had actually decided a few months before I was diagnosed to give losing weight one last try (I say one more time because if I kept ending up heavier than ever it seemed unwise to keep dieting!) I was 55 pounds over the weight recommended for my age and height. I found it exceedingly hard to bend over, to get up on my horse (and he wasn't thrilled when I did), to climb stairs...I knew something needed to be done, but I had already tried metabolism diets, fasting, low carb/high protein,  Nutrisystem (twice)...What I hadn't understood, and hope that you do, is why the body stores fat. I had thought it was simply a matter of overeating. Because I am a short person and of medium build, I thought I just needed to eat less to weigh less. When I began to study the causes of cancer, I was alarmed to realize that fat is often the way the body puts toxins into storage until it can deal with them. So, if you eat things that are too toxic for the body to handle, it puts them into storage to protect itself. That meant that the fat on my body (that had all been acquired in the past 10 years) contained toxins that had threatened my health. I was carrying a toxic load around. My lymph system was too busy and too hindered to cope with the amount of toxins I had in storage! Once I realized this, I was rather afraid to even try to lose weight, but I found that those that gain weight, or who are obese, have a poorer prognosis with cancer. I didn't go on a diet, though. I didn't set out to lose weight. But, as soon as I changed my eating habits, the weight began to come off, a pound or two a week. At that rate it didn't overload my kidneys and liver. Losing weight slowly is almost imperceptible. It give the body a chance to adjust/cleanse/detox.

2. I also read that people who are sleep deprived run a 20 per cent higher risk of cancer. I had been sleep deprived all of my life. It is during the wee hours that the body does it's housekeeping chores. Just as I never seem to get around to house cleaning because of all the other more pressing things I need to get done, or the things I want to do, so had my body not been getting around to regular maintenance chores because I was not giving it the right time to do it. I had to work harder at correcting my sleep habits than anything else I attempted. I still haven't completely corrected them. All my life I've slept as little as possible (averaging 4-5 hours per night). When I did sleep I had nightmares. Awful ones about choking, being smothered, drowning, being gassed... I finally realized that those dreams had been to wake me out of apnea. They were my brain's way of getting me to breathe! I had to reconsider sleep position, what to eat or not eat near bedtime, room temperature, mental state, and the apnea I definitely had.

3. The biochemist I consulted in September (3 months after diagnosis) took a lengthy personal history from me and in so doing he recognized my digestive problems were long-standing and needed to be resolved. I knew I had a hiatal hernia. I knew that when I got upset my stomach dumped acid and cramped up. I knew I had had severe acid reflux, but that had gone away when I changed the way I was eating. The biochemist told me I needed to take probiotics every evening before bed (so they could settle into my intestinal tract to prepare to make use of the nutrients coming their way the next day). He also wanted me to take enzymes to help digest food in my stomach. He is the one that prescribed exactly what I should and should not eat and I stuck to his guidelines for the next six months. Here were his guidelines: no sugar, no artificial anything, no alcohol, no wheat, no dairy, no soy, very little fruit (except lemons, pineapple, blueberries, banana & cherries), very little red meat (he wanted me to have none, but I convinced him that our grass-fed beef was superior to regular red meat), nothing fried, no shellfish, only olive oil, few nightshade plants (like potatoes and tomatoes), no coffee or chocolate...that's what I remember. When I began eating more raw vegetables, less animal protein, gave up dairy, and went pretty much gluten free, my blood pressure came down into the normal range, my weight came off steadily, my aching subsided, my acid reflux went away, my skin stopped itching and flaking, my feet stopped swelling and hurting, and I had no more headaches. I monitored my PH using strips for several months. I never did see those strips reflect that I had gotten my PH into the right ranges. I continued to show up as too acidic. I adjusted many things in my food intake to try to make the results more alkaline. Finally, I read some articles that convinced me that the strips aren't telling you what your acidity is in various parts of your digestive system and your body; they are just telling you what is going on in your mouth and your urine. Understanding PH is much more involved than most sites make it seem.  When I told people what I had done to adjust my food intake, they were in awe and almost all stated they couldn't do anything so difficult. It really isn't difficult once you get used to it and learn what to do with the foods you can eat. I have become a gourmet cook! I didn't know how to cook but about four meals before all this!

The biochemist also helped me to see that I have a personality that maintains an emotional environment that is too tense. He said I needed to learn to relax. He said I needed to stop trying to do more and just let my body adjust to all the changes it was being asked to make. I began to monitor my reactions to things. I practiced ways to defuse anxiety and learned to focus on the positive things the LORD is doing in my life, not the things that I don't want to face. Like sleep, emotional balance is critical. Getting upset/angry and staying that way for 20 minutes or more causes the body to release cortisol into the system. Cortisol promotes cancer growth. I have read quite a bit now on the subject of how to handle stress. Breathing correctly is something I am currently practicing.

Chemistry. I soon realized, trying to understand articles in medical journals, that I was at a disadvantage not having taken Biochemistry or Anatomy classes. My reading skills did allow me to get at the gist of many of the articles, but there is so much really academic vocabulary impeding understanding. I mulled and pondered and chased down various terms. Later in this blog I will praise a book that came along 14 months into my research and it cleared up/answered so many of the questions I'd had earlier along the way. That book is
Cancer: Step Outside the Box by Ty Bollinger.

Exercise. Since taking care of livestock and housework definitely involve exercise, I was greatly relieved to hear/see that exercise is recommended for cancer patients. It does help defuse tension. It does get oxygen to the cells (cancer doesn't thrive in an oxygenated environment). It does cause the lymphatic system to work more efficiently. It does help rid the body of toxins (through sweat).

Sunlight (Vitamin D3) I don't like our summer heat in this part of Texas and I have been in the habit of staying in AC as much as possible during the hot season. I was told I needed to get out in the sun during the part of the day when my shadow is shorter than I am (mid-morning or mid-afternoon). I need to let the sun shine directly on as much skin as possible. There were other vitamins I found I needed to increase (B, C, E, A...) I don't take Vitamin A from synthesized sources; I get it mostly through carrot juice.

Note: The previous list is what I concentrated on for the first 10 months after diagnosis. In that time I lost 45 pounds. I have stayed at the same weight now another 6 months without worrying about how much I am eating. I do still stay mostly within the guidelines the biochemist originally prescribed. I have added more animal protein (our free-range eggs, our grass-fed beef, and goat kefir and goat cheese) to my diet, but other than that, I'm still pretty much gluten-free, sugar-free, soy-free, and except for green tea and raw, unsweetened cocoa, I am caffeine free.

Month Two - June

I'm beginning to realize that mules are creatures I can relate to. Ask my doctor(s), my family, my co-workers, my brethren in Christ, they'll tell you I am contrary when pressure is applied, leery of agendas, slow to trust, and quick to dig in my feet when asked to go forward into the unknown...

Previously, I thought of myself more like a horse or a bovine,

but now I'm in mule mode. Not to be confused with donkeys; they are completely different critters. I'm a hybrid between the donkey and the horse. Mulish. Donkeys are much smarter than horses. Mules are are too.

After the wedding and graduation and degree certification that commanded my full attention in May, I had one more major hurdle to get over before I could catch my breath and contemplate what to do next. Way back in March, Kevin and I had been asked again to be the official photographers for the SDMS Texas Shoot-out in Bryan in June. It is a 3 day show. They have miniature donkeys, regular donkeys and mules competing in an indoor arena at a nice event center with nice facilities. This is the biggest event we do each year and it is always a stretch for us on many levels. In April, when I began suspecting my life was about to get complicated, I thought about calling the show chairman to back out of shooting the show. I decided to wait until we had a diagnosis.  Once I'd learned my diagnosis, I was even more unsure I wanted to tackle the event.I became concerned I wouldn't be physically up to the rigors of the show. It involves standing, stooping, holding up the camera, and dealing with heat and dust for 10 or more hours each day. In addition, each night I stay up for hours downloading the photos taken that day, charging the batteries for our cameras, and selecting a few photos to display the next day at the show. So, it is physically about as demanding as anything I ever do. Usually my feet hurt so badly that I can scarcely stay on them. I hobble about. I also get severe pains in my back, legs, neck, shoulders, and arms from the postures required. I knew Kevin couldn't, and wouldn't shoot it alone. So, I sent a couple of quick inquiries to other photographers I know in the area seeing if they'd be interested in sharing the show. One declined due to a conflict. The other, though, had a sobering reservation. She asked if the arena is air-conditioned. When I said it wasn't, she told me that she, too, has been dealing with breast cancer for some years and has been left with a condition called lymphedema. Due to having lymph glands removed (this is often done with a lumpectomy or mastectomy), she now has to avoid getting overheated because it causes swelling and fluid retention in the arm. As I understood her, she has to avoid getting hot. Doing the donkey show wasn't an option for her. It gets very hot in June in Bryan, Texas.

By this point, it was getting mighty late to back out of the 'gig'. I had a lengthy discussion with the show manager and together we determined that the logistics were better than before. We agreed to go ahead with our participation. When we got there, we did find that we were able to set up much nearer the arena, in better natural light, with a nearby lockable room (that was air conditioned) to put my computer. It was the best situation we've had yet. I found, too, that my feet were less an issue than before. That is almost certainly due to change in eating and making sure to stay hydrated. I also used a little camp stool (folding kind). I would carry it from one spot to another and perch on it whenever possible. There was also more of a breeze stirred by the 'Big Ass Fans' (that's really what they're called) than previously. So, although we did get hot; it wasn't sweltering. Overall, the show was the pleasantest experience we've had at an event. As usual, I ended up with way more images than I could process in a timely manner. Working full time as I do, and commuting, and taking care of the ranch at home, doesn't leave much time for computer work in the evenings. And now that I was sure I needed to get more sleep, I had even less time to work on it. Still, folks have been incredibly patient. I'm pretty sure they were told not to hassle me about it. Bless them!
 


One thing that did happen at the show was worrisome. Mid-way through the first day, the area under my diaphragm started to ache. The pain got worse and worse as the hours wore on. I tried drinking more water, resting in the air conditioned room, visiting the mercifully nearby toilet, but none of this helped. It began to feel like a bludgeon was bashing me in the mid-drift.The only thing that brought relief was sitting down and being still. So, I did. I let Kevin do most of the afternoon shooting. It was actually quite nice sitting in the breezeway watching the animals and their handlers coming and going into the arena. I visited with a few.

And so, we made it through.
But, there was so much post processing to do!

Early inklings and diagnosis

I plan to use this blog to document my journey from diagnosis to wherever He takes me. I want this to be the place where others can come to find links to sites and sources I've researched that are proving to be His means of provisioning me for this battle.  This first post is long, but I am including some details about those first thoughts and concerns, because, five months later, they are almost fading from my memory. I am pleased to report that! I intended to begin this blog earlier, but have not felt the timing was right, until now. I think this is because I wanted to have a deeper assurance of what I was sharing before posting it publicly.
 The Story begins...
back last fall (October 2011), when I noticed a slight dent in one side of my right breast. It was near the armpit and I remembered reading somewhere that that is a sign of breast cancer. But, I was quite uniformed about what in my lifestyle might have contributed to breast cancer. Nobody in my immediate family on either side has had cancer of any kind. I am the most physically active in my family and I was eating healthier than most folks I know, so, I thought the chance of having breast cancer extremely remote. I came up with a plausible explanation. Due to the drought, I had been struggling twice a day mightily with stemmy, stubborn round bales, using my right arm more and therefore, the muscles were stronger on that side. I mentioned it to my husband and he too was not up on the facts concerning breast cancer, so we ignored it.

A couple of months later, I noticed a lump in the same general area of the same breast. It was a little harder to think that exercise would cause that. But, I reasoned, there are other reasons for lumps. Coffee for one. I drank two to three cups of coffee a day. Every day.

By February, both of us were noticing the lump was larger. Kevin began to be concerned. "Maybe you should go get it checked." He suggested tentatively. Breast cancer is something men are uncomfortable talking about. I told him that if I went in to have a mammogram, that the pressure of the procedure could rupture the tumor (if it was a tumor) and release the cancer cells to spread. I reminded him that we had discussed many times that if we got cancer, we wanted to fight it with nutrition and exercise, not with chemo. "If I go have a mammogram done, it will certainly show a lump. We know there is one. So, do we want them suggesting we climb on the cancer treatment tractor beam?" We both decided to do some research first. I surfed the internet and found all sorts of claims, conflicting information and come ons. It was overwhelming. I decided to just wait to see if the Lord would steer us in a certain direction; I didn't want to wade around in the mire any further; I was bogged down.

 Then, in early May, a close friend at church listened to me describe the symptoms and forcefully told us we "have to go in to have it checked out." She said it might be nothing and we'd feel better knowing that. I was pretty sure it wasn't 'nothing'. There was now some pain both in the breast and in the area under my armpit. She gave us the pep talk at lunch on a Sunday. The next day I called to make a mammogram appointment and was told that if there was a lump detectable in the breast then the mammogram would be diagnostic and needed to be referred by my physician. I couldn't just schedule it myself. It would be a different type of mammogram. So, I called my doctor. She is a family physician. She has been an ideal doctor for me for almost 20 years. I can be very open with her and know she is listening closely and that she considers my position on matters seriously. I was actually rather relieved to know that all of this should begin with her, not some stranger. I scheduled the appointment for the next day. What is interesting is that usually you can't get an appointment for weeks, but when I said it was regarding a lump in my breast, they stuck me in immediately!

So, my journey began with evidence the medical world gives prompt attention when you mention 'breast cancer'.  Statistics are now saying that 1 in 8 women over 55 will develop breast cancer. One site said that number will soon be closer to 1 in 3! The reason that I decided to start this blog is the increasing awareness of breast cancer in our population. I wanted to share my experiences with those who suddenly find themselves in this corner. We soon realize we are not alone. There are women all around us who are surviving or are in treatment or are just beginning to BBC (battle breast cancer). And we each probably know someone who didn't survive it.

My doctor was candid with me. She said after doing a breast exam (not a mammogram) that she was sure it was cancer: that the signs were textbook. The dent/dimple shows the tumor is pulling at the flesh (distorting the tissue around it). That's what invasive cancer does. It invades. But, back to the more accurate diagnosis later. All I was told that first time was that she knew it was cancer,  and since it was clear it was a sizable tumor, I didn't have to have a mammogram done (I told her why I didn't want to have one and she didn't try to persuade me to do one). Rather, she gave me the name of a surgeon. She didn't really tell me why she chose that one (I asked her for advice since I didn't know any surgeons personally). She said that she'd had a friend who used this particular surgeon and her friend was convinced she was good at what she does. I wasn't eager at all to go see a surgeon, but I sat in the parking lot outside my doctor's office and made the appointment. They said (again they rushed the process in a way that was quite sobering) I could come in two days later. The nurse scheduling the appointment also said that the doctor would want to do a mammogram when I came in. I told the nurse why I was opposed to that. She then asked if I would be willing to have the doctor do a sonogram, there in their office. I agreed to that without a qualm.

During those two days I did a LOT of praying, thinking, and wondering how I could have gotten breast cancer. Once I started researching the causes, I realized I was actually a prime candidate. Here are just the main things that probably contributed:
1. Sleep deprivation (one European study showed that people who don't get melatonin due to not sleeping properly have a 20 per cent higher risk for cancer). As God would have it, I had only a week before done a sleep study that confirmed what I already knew, I had severe apnea. The way the LORD got me to go in for the sleep study was through a nightmare. In it I drowned. I really believed I was dead. When I came out of it, I was gasping for minutes to restore oxygen to my body. I had had nightmares all my life about choking, being asphyxiated, being smothered...after the sleep study I realized that it was my brain's way of waking me to breathe! The sleep study showed that my oxygen level got as low as 67 during the night. Below 90 is cause for concern. 67 per cent is serious!
2. Hormones. After menopause, the hormones seem to be more one's adversaries than support team. I began to put two and two together. The reason my breasts and skin seemed youthful was due to more estrogen than is usual for someone at my stage of life.
3. Overweight. Fat contains hormones. And toxins.
4. Never having had children. For every child a woman bears, she has a 20 per cent less chance of getting breast cancer.
5. Eating LOTS of dairy/animal products (all high in estrogen)
6. Not eating much in the way of fruits or vegetables. My diet consisted primarily (80 per cent) of pasta, grains, meats, and dairy products.
7. Environmental exposure to estrogen laden products. For example, for a few months before we tapped into the public water supply, we bought water in plastic gallon jugs and HEATED those in the microwave before pouring them over ourselves. We realized after doing this a while that it was stupid and stopped. But, when one puts on fat while engaging in stupidity, some of that stupidity is stored in the fat cells. When one loses weight later, those toxins are released into the blood stream. So, even though we may repent of certain habits, the consequences may haunt us later. 

Back to that first week in the medical realm. Tuesday afternoon, I called a friend of mine who had benefitted from the local organizations for breast cancer assistance. She strongly exhorted me to go the very next day to the Breast Cancer Resource Center at St. David's. Because I was struggling with the anxiety over seeing a surgeon, I received the exhortation seriously. The next morning, on the same day I was to go to the surgeon, I marched myself into the BCRC and met a wonderful, sweet, kind cancer survivor who shared her story with me and fielded my fears and gave me some questions to ask the surgeon (as if I didn't already have enough of those!).

Some of my fears and concerns at that point were:
1. If I do chemo, how will I manage to live in the unsterile environment I occupy. We live on a ranch and dirt, dust, flies, dog hair, and manure are all things I interact with at least twice daily.
2. I had for decades been determined to never do chemo no matter what. I asked the BCRC buddy bluntly, "why do intelligent women keep opting to do chemo when the surgeons almost universally say they think they 'got it all' but they want to do chemo or radiation to 'be sure'." She explained, as my doctor had, that the immune system, even if it is functioning well, sometimes fails to recognize cancer as the enemy. It ignores it.
3. How much of a wife could I be after surgery and chemo? I didn't want to be a burden. My husband depends on me to be his 'help mate'. I don't do all I do just because I should, but because it fulfills me and it is the job God gave me. I wanted to be VERY sure that if my role was to change from supporter to supportee, it was HIS reassignment .
4. I was afraid the surgeon would railroad me into something I was opposed to doing. When I mentioned who the surgeon was, I was told she is a 'breast conservationist'. That sounded much better!
5. I was afraid of being hideous. I won't explain that. If you are in this you know what I mean.

That afternoon, Kevin and I went to see the surgeon. She looked at the breast with a sonogram. She, like my MD, said she was sure it was breast cancer and she estimated it to be about 3 cm, stage II A or B. B would be if one or more lymph glands were involved.

She persuaded me (not easily) to have a biopsy of the lump done. She explained that would be better than a lumpectomy at the diagnostic end for these reasons:
1. it would leave the lump to serve as an indicator whether any chemo treatments were effective.
2. if chemo reduced the lump, removing a smaller lump would leave more breast to conserve.
3. it would allow diagnosis of the type of cancer so a 'cocktail' could be specifically compounded to fight it.

So, the biopsy was scheduled for the next day! (Mind you, from being told I should 'go get it checked'  on Sunday, I was now going to have a biopsy done five days later!

Now, I'm sort of torn. Should I tell you about the biopsy? Do you want to know what it was like? I didn't go in knowing what they were going to do exactly. I thought they would use a narrow needle, deaden the area totally, and suck out a few cells to test. That is what my little pamplet showed for a needle biopsy. But, what I was scheduled to have was actually a core biopsy.

When I got to the office for the outpatient procedure, I was joined within minutes by the kind woman from the BCRC. They are in the same building. She stayed with me from when I checked in at the receptionist desk and all through the preparation and the biopsy itself. She held my hand, she answered my questions. The nurse, too, was amazingly supportive, kind, gentle and both of them together were who the LORD provided to get me through it.

Kevin hadn't come because of his work pressures and because I had thought it would be a simple, little 10 minute gig. The actual biopsy itself didn't take much more than 10 minutes, but there was the 30 minutes beforehand, the 10 minutes in the procedure room when they used an ultrasound to identify what they were going to biopsy and then the shots (like at the dentist) to deaden the area. What I didn't know, was that a 'core biopsy' is quite a bit more involved than a 'needle biopsy'. I soon was enlightened. I also hadn't realized that a tumor can have blood vessels and nerves IN IT. Nor had I known that anesthesia sometimes doesn't penetrate the tumor's exterior, so, those nerves inside the tumor aren't deadened. The LORD may have well have kept me ignorant of these facts. I'm a little reluctant to share them with you, too, if you are facing one of these. But, I do remember thinking that if I had been informed I would have psyched myself up for more. I have never had a root canal, but I think this core biopsy was LESS difficult than that would be (for comparison). The sensation, when the instrument was positioned to 'fire' (my word, not theirs) was a dull thump. Not bad. But, then after the thump it felt like a staple gun had been used against my breast. I don't mean that it felt like the staples were inserted, NOT that sort of pain, but the sound and the impact, shaking the breast, seemed much like a staple gun. I was told that they wanted to remove  three to five core samples. The first one wasn't too bad. The second one hurt more, but still not severely. The third one hurt the most of the four and made me ask if we could just stop with three. But, they wanted to get four to be sure they had enough and I was thinking that they had better get enough because I wasn't likely to agree to doing it again! After the fourth punch (sample), they had only to 'place the marker'. This is (I'm told) a piece of metal about the size of the end of Lincoln's nose on the penny). They put it inside the incision made by the wide needle for the biopsy, to mark where the biopsy was done. Supposedly, sometimes the tumor shrinks so much that the surgeon can't even find it! The marker tells the surgeon exactly where it was. That sounded like a good idea. But, oddly, (they assured me that placing the marker wouldn't/shouldn't hurt) it hurt badly. It kept hurting for almost 10 minutes. I was alarmed and frightened. It made it worse being told that it shouldn't hurt. But, the explanation the nurse gave made some sense; she said that the tumor, once disturbed, gets upset and once it settles down it wouldn't hurt. I was quite concerned (since it wasn't supposed to hurt in the first place), that once the anesthetic wore off, the pain would be awful. Gradually, I began to realize that if the anesthetic hadn't deadened the interior of the tumor in the first place, it wouldn't make any difference when it wore off. And, I was told, the anesthetic wears off faster than it does when you have your gums deadened in the dentist office. The effects of the anesthetic were pretty much already worn off as I was voicing the fear.  The surgeon herself didn't perform the biopsy, she had offered to, but said it would be the following week before she could do it herself. Since I would be alone the next week (with Kevin out of town), I opted to have it done on Friday by a person at the Breast Center who does them all day long, that the surgeon trusted to do it well. But, what I was told after the procedure was done, was that the surgeon does another type of biopsy. She would have actually taken 12 samples (instead of four!) I was really glad to hear that I hadn't had to subject my touchy tumor to that sort of attack for fear it would have been even more upset!

The nurse could understand my fear the pain would resume during the night or the next day. She promised to call me the next morning to see how I was doing since Kevin would be gone. He was leaving to drive to Minnesota for his son's wedding. I was staying to work my deadline week at work and to take care of the livestock at home. I was to fly up to join him the next weekend. So, the fact I would be alone the next day did concern the nurse. Interestingly, the pain in the breast, where the tumor was, decreased so much that by the time I got up the next morning it had less feeling in it than it had had prior to the biopsy. But, there was pain in my armpit for a couple of weeks. I definitely believe(d) some lymph nodes were also upset. Nobody yet has explained if disturbing a tumor can cause distress to nearby lymph nodes. Sort of sympathetic pain? But, I have read that when the lymph nodes are having to strain stuff that needs to be evacuated from the area (as it would after such a procedure) they (the lymph nodes) swell and get clogged to some extent. That might be why they complain.

Now, about that weekend with Kevin gone. I did a lot of praying. I discussed dying with the LORD. I suddenly began to think about the actual steps involved in dying and how it would affect Kevin and my family. And friends. And co-workers. And neighbors. And animals...But, mainly, I was thinking about how it might be done. Dying I mean. I have watched it quite a few times and I know vicariously quite a bit. I discussed it with the LORD and came away prepared to do it if that's what He wanted. I knew He would be with me every step of the way and it would be easier (as it already had been), than I was anticipating because He would attend to the myriad of things that I would not know to worry about. And He would repeatedly tell me to give Him my fears, worries, cares...I would learn to do this. 

I received the first information from the biopsy on Monday morning. It was confirmation that it was invasive lobular breast cancer. Wednesday, I was told it was estrogen/progesterone positive (+/+), and the growth rate was 5 on a scale of 3-9. And that something like 12 per cent of the cells were rapidly reproducing (a high rate would be 20 per cent). So, I was fairly certain that meant that the pressure to hurriedly decide what to do was lifted. I don't do 'hurry' well at all. But, thanks be to God,  I had some breathing room. On friday I was told it was Her2 negative. That meant it wasn't the aggressive type that needs intensive treatment.

Armed with this information, I began to look on line for what that diagnosis meant. Having these specifics did help guide me into more helpful information. My BCRC mentor also was willing to listen as I waded through all the information. She was the one that strongly exhorted me to make an appointment with an oncologist. My surgeon had recommended one. I was extremely uneasy about stepping into that territory.

I spent the week between the Biopsy and the wedding studying on line about various types of treatment. Searching for what is good or bad to do or eat with breast cancer led me to an extremely well researched website foodforbreastcancer.com (that's my first link for you!)

Using that website (but bringing to bear what I know about GMO and soy products since those were not taken into account on that site) I began to radically revamp my diet. I had that week to explore the new boundaries. At first it seemed like I couldn't eat ANYTHING that had come to be a staple of my diet: no sugar, no dairy (except non-fat unsweetened yogurt and kefir), no peanuts, nothing fried, no lima beans, no avocados, no shrimp or scallops... (the list goes on and on!) So, I began slowly to explore new nutritional territory. To make the expedition even more treacherous, I had to be wary of GMO foods, artificial sweeteners, foods high on the glycemic index, foods I just don't like, foods I couldn't find any relevant information about on the website I was using (like Stevia, coconut sugar, goat milk...). That first week I felt like there was just about nothing I could eat in my fridge, on campus, in any restaurant in walking distance of work...I lost about three pounds due to subsisting on nothing but fruit, nuts, and salad greens!

I had wondered about whether I would be up to the trip to Minnesota for the wedding. My flight was scheduled for mid afternoon of the same day that I was to be at Bass Concert Hall on campus for our annual Graduate School Ceremony. I had to be at Bass by 7:30 a.m. I did my duties (which involved helping hundreds of students across the stage) for 5 hours. I left at 12:30 to go catch a bus to the airport. I moved my car out of the parking garage (where it couldn't be left for five days) and drove it to a place where I could leave it for the duration. Then, I caught a bus that took me downtown to the corner where I could catch the 'Airport' bus. I waited there (it was about 90 degrees, but there was a breeze) for about 40 minutes. The bus came in good time and then I lugged my luggage into the airport, on the wrong level, up to the next floor, down to the other end of the airport, through the line, got my boarding pass, went through security, then down the long terminal to the end where my flight was to leave. LOTS of carrying and walking. But, compared with changing planes in Denver, it was nothing! I was actually rather impressed by how well I got through that ordeal in Denver.  I realized I was stronger than I'd thought. I got off the plane in one terminal, at the very end of it, and I had brought a carry-on that weighed about 20 pounds.  My purse weighs another 6. The carry on didn't have rollers on it. Believe me, I will NEVER make that mistake again! Anyway, I thought maybe I could rent one of those luggage carriers in the airport terminal. They didn't have those. I was told that to get to the next plane I was to board, I would need to go all the way to the other end of the terminal I was in, get on the train that would take me to another terminal and then go all the way to the far end of that one! I am quite sure that the total distance I ended up walking was a couple of miles. Carrying 26 pounds! I stopped a lot. I was hungry. I was thirsty. In each terminal they had a 'food court'. There was absolutely nothing I could find in either of those that I could eat! I paid $1.50 for a bottle of water and dug out some nuts I had brought along with me. Then trudged down those terminals determinedly. I noticed that there were elderly people also trekking and they looked even more stressed than I was! Why weren't there provisions for people like us! Anyway, I did thank the LORD for the strength to manage it. It was a blessing that the time between flights was more than adequate and I didn't have to hurry.

When I arrived at the Airport in Minneapolis, I was again faced with a formidable hike to where Kevin could get to me with the truck. By the time he did, I was REALLY hungry. It was after 11:00 p.m.. I hadn't eaten in twelve hours (except for some nuts). I had walked, carrying 26 pounds, literally miles. I had envisioned going a short distance to a motel. But, Kevin, informed me that we were actually staying at the farm which was about 40 miles away! I gave up the idea of eating. I wanted, instead, to just go to sleep. But, Kevin was in unfamiliar territory and it was very very very dark. The roads were narrow. Some miles of them weren't even paved. Almost none of them had signs on them. We got lost. He knew we were close to where we should be, but in the dark, we couldn't even be sure of which direction we were going. It was overcast. No stars to guide us. We saw only two or three cars in all that wandering. Most of the farms we passed were dark. Everybody had gone to bed. It was too late to call for help without waking our host. Pretty much anybody else in our family already at the farm wouldn't know where we were to help us. Finally, after wandering up and down roads that began to be too familiar (we'd crossed them before), and with our fuel gauge indicating we were getting near empty, I saw a vehicle behind us. I told Kevin to stop and let me get out to flag them down. Standing in front of a car approaching, driven by total strangers, in deep darkness, at 1:30 a.m. on an unmarked road seemed a perfectly logical solution to our dilemma at that point! I did choose to approach them at a stop sign. So, I guess technically I didn't flag them down; I just made sure they could see me in their headlights and that my hands were empty. I walked up to the passenger's window and peered into the cab of a small pickup truck. I halfway expected to see some guys coming home from a bar. I was surprised to see two women, the driver in her forties and the passenger in her late teens or early twenties. When I told them what road we were looking for, they easily explained where it was: only 1/2 mile on down the road we were on! That's how close we were! The LORD certainly did send the right help to us at that hour! Our truck was making warning ding ding ding (fuel low) sounds when we pulled into the farm. It was after 2:00 a.m.!

We didn't have to get up early the next morning, since the wedding was in the afternoon. I was pleased to awaken with relatively little pain considering what I'd put my body through in the previous 24 hours. I was fed farm food. Our host has a small dairy. I got to watch him milk his cows and that was so much nicer than being in a motel! Out their breakfast room window was a birdfeeder and there were dozens of birds coming to it. Beautiful birds we don't have at home. I saw a wild turkey cross their yard as I was staring out the window. Being there was a mini vacation for me even in the midst of all the excitement of the wedding. It was a perfect place to just walk about in the pasture, ramble through the huge old barn, sit in the midst of a family I've married into; that I am growing each year to appreciate more and more. I was very glad I'd gone; it was a wonderful wedding with many uniquely personal moments. It was God honoring throughout.

 I was shown, all through the 'getting there', partaking of the preparations, the ceremony, the reception, the trip home (which did have some exciting moments like when our truck stalled and lost all power (steering, brakes, etc) going 65 mph on the interstate pulling a loaded 18 foot trailer...that the LORD was bringing us closer to one another and closer to Himself. That He was giving us tangible evidences of His Presence and compelling reasons to trust Him more and more. That first month of fully facing my mortality I drifted on a contemplative current, while all around me the larking of springtime, of graduation, of celebration, of commitment, of sacrifice, of promise, crested and carried me along. I thought it quite a wondrous embarking on whatever passage lay ahead.